You know, though I think of you most of the time, I can somehow face the truth and accept that you are gone. I tell myself that I have to be strong because you are not here anymore to be strong for both of us.
I even try to understand all the people who tell me that God always takes the best people and that you have been like that.
I believe them when they say that you are taking care of me from above and that you will be so proud of me for everything that I’ve gone through.
But there are days when I can not accept that you are not here because you deserve to be here.
Then I get angry. I am getting frustrated. I am getting angry. And there are so many negative emotions in me that sometimes I think I’ll explode.
Because no matter how much I would like to bring you back, I can not.And that feeling eats me up. It makes my body tremble.
There’s a noise in my head, so I can not think clearly. It keeps me thinking about different questions, and I have no answer to any of them.
And on those days, I feel so bad that I can not be as strong as you always wanted.
I am sorry that I am negative and that I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am sorry that I am a bad company. I’m sorry that I’m not as strong as you are.
You know, I’m angry because you left all the people who loved you. You just left, although we were not ready for it yet.
Do not you know that there are still faces that need your kisses? Do not you know that there are still small hands waiting to wrap around your neck?
Do not you know that I miss you? We all do that.
And what annoys me most is being in the company of a few bad people who live their perfect lives while you are six feet underground.
And your beautiful and pure heart deserved more than a little cold dirt. It has earned more days and years with your loved ones.
You deserve to lead a happy life surrounded by your family, your grandchildren, who happily jump around you as you try to feed them.
You deserve to die in your sleep, knowing that we will be fine without you. That we will be able to take care of ourselves because you have taught us very well how to do that.
But no. You did not wait. You left without even saying goodbye.
You went so unexpectedly. And I still can not believe you are not here. And you have every right to do so.
I’m so angry because life is not fair. I’m angry because you did not deserve to die.
I’m angry because nothing in your life was fair – and not your death.
It hurts so much that I can not call you and ask you about your day. I hate that I miss you all the time.
I hate that any memory of you makes me cry. And most of all, I hate that you are not here.
You should sit here with me and tell me not to cry, but to laugh. You should be here to tell me that I have to be strong because you have always taught me to be like that.
You should be here so I can lean my head on your shoulder as I did after a stressful day at work.
Damn, you should be here!
And no matter if I believe people for a moment, if they say that you’re in a better place now, I’ll still believe that was all a big mistake.
I’ll still believe you should not have left.
I’ll still believe you did not deserve to die.