When it comes to ending relationships, people will usually do strange things throughout your life that confuse you and that you can not really understand. And a large part of all the questions that reach me daily are about the circumstances of separations as well as promising dates, which will not turn into anything afterwards, such as:
“Why did not he / she call you back?”
“Why did he leave me?”
“Why does she show me the cold shoulder?”
The person you met with seemed to be totally interested in one moment and retreating completely in the next and is no longer available. Maybe she told you that she loves you and shot you down shortly thereafter. You may have just gotten warm with each other and after a few weeks, he makes off with the nanny. He behaves very distant and cold, yet he always tells you he would love you. Or maybe he behaves as if he loves you, but never says so. Maybe he burns with the colleague from the accounting department.
Maybe he was eaten by a crocodile (unlikely). You could have turned it off. Maybe he’s someone with a huge attachment anxiety. He may secretly be married, meet someone else, or not like your taste. Maybe it got boring for him, he got sad and depressed and gave up his life and you. He could have joined a sect. There could be a quarter / mid-life or late-life crisis. Maybe he languishes after the colleague from the accounting department. Maybe there is a secret sexual fantasy that he wants to live out in a big way without you knowing. Maybe he silently hates redheads as well. He could also be superficial or insecure. You could also have become too affectionate or exhausting.
The possibilities are endless at this point.
The hardest part of putting so much time and energy into asking these questions is that the answers do not matter. Even if you suddenly knew the exact answer to the question of why you broke up with yourself or did not contact you after a promising date, it just does not matter.
What matters is what meaning you attribute to this event and how you intend to deal with it.
To move forward, many people stiffen their search for answers as if they had the magical solution to all actual or imagined relationship problems (I mean the term “relationship” at this point very generally, depending on the circumstances).
However it may turn out, the answer just gives us a new way to keep getting rid of ourselves in the wake of a broken relationship instead of learning from it. We just have to let it happen.
Knowing exactly what has happened and / or finding a “conclusion” is not synonymous with a solution to the previous incident.
I understand that. Sometimes we feel like we’re going to make a wrong thing happen, tie a big knot around it, and either fix it or forget it, if only we knew what actually happened. And it is exactly this desire for answers that keeps us stuck in the past.
The truth is that we have it in our own hands as we interpret the past. In fact, the only thing we have control over after a breakup or a mysterious disappearance.
We can choose between mercy and violence. But no matter what we choose, it will have consequences.
Suppose, for example, I decided to believe that my lover left me because I am a terrible person who has no positive qualities. Zero. Every moment with me was pure torture. A life with this attitude would be absolute crap. If I choose, I will probably sink into devastating frustration, self-pity, and depression. Many tears and a lot of time would be wasted.
Even if my lover told me what a terrible person I was in the relationship, the decision on the point of view is still with me. I can take his bitter words to heart or I can tell myself “well, that did not work out” or “he’s right about some things and some wrong” and can continue on my way.
I do emotional violence for as long as I use that information for more than figuring out which part of the criticism is entitled to improve it and continue on my path.
The degree of pain at this moment I completely determine myself. Losing someone brings grief with it, but it does not have to define the rest of my life. We have the opportunity to decide which parts of this event to take into the future.
It is the interpretation of any event that gives it any emotional meaning and we can decide for ourselves how that interpretation will turn out. That is freedom.
As Ayn Rand said: “We can ignore the reality, but we can not ignore the consequences resulting therefrom.” . And when someone is gone, that’s the cold, harsh reality.
Still, you can do it the way you want. You can fever freedom. You can be relieved not to have to deal with his mother anymore. Or you can choose to never love again. It’s up to you.
My advice, regardless of what you are doing, is to have your thoughts negatively determined by someone after he has dropped you.
Make the most of it, instead of sustaining emotional violence by choosing to fall into negative thinking patterns.
Decide now to end the search for answers and find yourself again. You have to remain true to yourself.
You are number one.
If you are absolutely and 100% sure you want to give yourself and your ex a second chance, take a look at this video presentation that I have created. It describes the three mistakes you need to stop immediately, if you want a chance to reunite with him.
After a break, these mistakes destroy all ways to rekindle love. Leave everything and lie and take a look at the three mistakes to avoid before going offline.