What are the reasons for a Lovers?
We value the utility of the other for us more than ever.
In fact, it’s astonishing in our novels, poems, and movies that the moment when love erupts miraculously, this mythical moment in which we know that someone is created for me.
Strangely enough, our culture is silent about the much more mysterious moment: when love fades.
it’s especially strange considering all the divorces, bad marriages and broken relationships these days.
Even more amazing than the fact that we fall in love, is the fact that Lovers stop loving.
The man who did not let us sleep at night with desire, because of whom we counted the hours we wanted to protect from the humiliations of the world, is the same one whom we then look on with indifference and hostility.
Suddenly his voice annoys us, his talk, the way he scrape out the yogurt cup.
At the beginning, I am totally myself and also feel that I am becoming a bigger release of myself through the loving eyes of the other. So much does one feel in love mirrored and admired.
The other side of the coin is that love makes you less sovereign. Because one feels so overwhelmed by the other. You become uncertain.
I mean, we should be much more concerned with what it means to be out of harm’s way.
There are many reasons for this, of course. And maybe we do not talk so much and openly about it because love does not dwindle as suddenly as it comes.
Rather? She sneaks away?
Being out of harm’s way can be a very challenging process. Because then there are always situations in which I notice: the other is no longer sufficient for my demands.
That’s not nice. And at the same time he complains more and more often, tacitly or loudly: “Why are you so absent, why do not you take part in what makes me and interested?”
It’s over when someone no longer tries to answer that question. And the other begins to struggle to confirm his self-image in the relationship.
The love goes For Lovers, because the other does not manage to confirm my self-image?
Yes, because I am so in the face of the other person to someone who I do not want to be or I do not like enough. Because the partner should confirm us in relation to ourselves and the world.
In the beginnings of love, that’s how it is: That’s when you feel recognized by the other – just as you want to see yourself. That’s the way it should always be.
But is not it immature if a relationship does not stand up to criticism For Lovers?
It is very modern. We want to be intimate in our relationships, to indulge ourselves completely. At the same time, however, we run the risk of not meeting the one whom we have identified with.
This creates a tension and we try to dissolve it by talking and negotiating. And these arguments are really exhausting.
And totally disillusioned.
Often, yes. In addition, love fades when I realize that my character is valued. Shadow pages or “mistakes” are usually not just perceived and lovingly charmed. No, in our capitalist consumer society we are constantly valued, and we participate.
Am I beautiful enough? Am I fit enough? Am I good enough? We are permanently in competition. For a while we are in the love relationship in safety: we are loved as we are or imagine to be. But there is a danger that comes from outside, and that is quite real. Because we do not compete for ideals, but with very real people. They could replace us. Because we live in a society that allows us to separate and take another partner.
The partner and my feelings about him are ultimately regulated by supply and demand?
With the disappearance of love already. Then the values and rules of the outside world break into the relationship, and man is reduced to its use.
Because when my needs are no longer satisfied, I no longer need the other and have the freedom and the opportunity to move to the next.
And there “my luck” to try with someone who better suits my needs. Love then disappears when it becomes apparent how difficult it is to create a sense of uniqueness.
The feeling of uniqueness needed to continue loving someone.
But mature love can do without these claims, because one knows oneself better and is more relaxed.
I do not think you have to know yourself to love someone as a great Lovers. Of course that helps, but it’s not a requirement. Rather, it is about the hierarchy of my needs that the other should satisfy: Is he intellectual enough?
Does he put so much or little value on sex? Is life with him enough fun? I believe that love depends much more on the character and morals of a person than on self-knowledge.
But I’m a sociologist, I analyze society and do not give advice on how to become a better person or Lovers.
Love is similar to faith
Does that mean our society is bringing love to a standstill For Lovers?
Put it this way: It is the society of modernity that creates a permanent deficit of self-esteem and recognition in the individual.
Unfortunately, every single one is constantly thinking about whether and what he is doing wrong: Why do not you love your Lovers any more?
Because I’m not enough anymore?
But it’s less about the individual than about the fact that we constantly have to compare and compare ourselves. Because we are constantly in competition and our value always measures.
There is no exception?
Of course there are preferred ones. Angelina Julie may need to be less afraid of not being the fairest and most beautiful.
But she will eventually is replacing with a younger actress. A 50 or 60 year old woman is given a threaten because of the beauty of a younger woman; a smart guy is threaten with the intelligence of another; a wealthy one by one who has more. That’s the way it works.
High expectations weigh on the relationship. It should remain the eternal cuddle zone. But alas, the pictures are drifting apart.
You could also say that you are unique to me because you are unique as a human being.
We are all much less unique than we think.
But our shared time is unique.
And on this awareness, to have created something together – whether they are children, a garden, traveling or working -, you could build up and say: Since I think just one cooler than you, of which I cost now.
But that does not diminish the experience, the story we have in common.
that’s why we stay a couple, no matter in what form. Or is that thought old-fashioned?
That you find someone “just cooler”, that is very timely. In the 19th century, people loved those who came closest to an ideal: the gentleman or the demure lady.
Today we stand for people who are bizarre, weird, exalted, crazy, eccentric, cool. For in these properties, the self manifests itself most easily. So there are many sources that make one seem unique.
Okay, but what about the common story? I have decided to love my partner. No matter in what capacity: as a husband, sexual partner, father or friend.
Even if he is sometimes annoying, not enough, less cool than others.
In a relationship you should develop your own mythology if possible. I mean the story of love for True Lovers that a couple tells about the beginning, their shared experiences, their morals.
According to this mythology, one can live – just as cultures tell stories about their own self-assurance.
And yes, unlike most people, I think too: You do not have to adapt to reality – you have to insist on the ability to tell your own love story.
The good story between two people. One has to believe in that.
Why do we as a True Lovers often find it so difficult?
Love is similar to religious belief: Lovers Should Follow their heart To love someone means to believe in something that they represent.
I love as long as I believe that this person represents something that is important to me: their kindness, their integrity or their love.
At some point, people stop believing in that specific love story and think, “I do not believe you’re that great person any more than all the others; I no longer believe that our story is unique; I see people with better stories everywhere.