Mr. Right, where are you hiding?
Many women are desperately looking for their dream man. But even trying to find the right person is the wrong way to love happiness.
There are felt hundreds of meters of shelves with love counselors. They have titles like “About the art of finding the right one” or “This time it really works – really now: How to conquer and hold Mr. Right” (OK , that was invented). Women read these books.
Why? Because from the time she was a girl, a thought has burned deep into the collective consciousness of women: that he’s out there somewhere. Among all the attachment phobics, womanizers, frogs . The one man who is just made for us. One and only. The right one.
The promise: whoever finds him will be happy. Forever self-evident – we do not content ourselves with self-confident, emancipated women of today. By the way, the idea of the right implies that you are all responsible can give love happiness . If it does not work, it was just the wrong thing.
Even the right person is not a perfect person
Interestingly enough, from an initially right one can quickly become the wrong one. After all, the period of falling in love inevitably leads to disillusionment. A painful time, when you have to realize: Surprisingly, the other person’s hair grows on his back instead of angel wings. He brazenly pursues his own interests. He has even experienced a bad mood, damn it!
Now it shows up, whether we have only fallen in love with an idealized image of the other, or whether we accept that even the right person is not a perfect person.
A crucial role is played by the first “love relationship” of our lives – the one to our parents, so the couples therapist Bella Warren her new book “Making Love – How Relationships Really Work”. Means: We are attracted to types who are as humorous as our father. But this projection also works the other way round. He should not be as bossy as our mother.
Too high expectations
We are not aware of all these things. Nevertheless, they can have far-reaching consequences, because: “We try our entire life to provide old wounds – and only succeed with people who touch them,” said Bella Warren. In short: What you did not get enough of father and mother, then the dream man is ironed out. “We hope for a happy ending” – with the right one.
The result is well known: many women are in a never-ending repetition of falling in and out. They become so-called serial monogamists. For every new man, they hope it’s the right one this time.
Couples therapist Bella Warren has an easy and convincing answer to that: There is not one right person, there are many potentially right ones. “Ideally, we can grow with our partner,” says Bella Warren. This also means granting him weaknesses and not idealizing him to an unrealistic dream man, who always does everything right in every situation.