Never would I have thought that I would write these words once. Never would I have thought that I would become so vulnerable that I could succumb to a narcissist, but it happened. Here is my story and what I learned about self-love after loving a heartless man.
I had just divorced and was on a sensory roller coaster, which is related. I finally found peace and started to be happy again. I found myself and loved myself and felt a kind of contentment that only God can offer. I did not look for anyone new because I finally accepted the fact that I was alone and I got along with it. Then he came … and my world was turned upside down. There is so much to say that it will be hard for me to stay in chronological order, but I will start at the beginning when everything was great, because without this part you can not understand why it ended so – you will not Understand what a narcissist is, as long as you do not know everything.
As I said, I did not look for anyone. He found me … he CHOSEN me. One day I received a message asking him when to take me to dinner and show me how to treat me. He would make me “throw stones at all the other guys.” Well, that sounded really smooth, but at the time I was not ready, so I rejected him. One month later I received another message; This time he did not ask me for a date, just made small talk. He asked for a favor and the helpful person that I am, I agreed, not knowing that I would open up for the biggest lesson of my life.
After a month of talking and his portrayal as a great guy, we decided one night to go out. After that it was Game Over for me … I bit. He made me feel that I could talk to him about everything. He had a similar experience as I did, had a bad divorce, had a toxic marriage, had lost one parent. With him I felt safe, something I had not felt for so long. It was like walking into a house and feeling at home. It would be almost two years before I realized that the place that felt like home was actually a prison.
My friends tried to tell me that I was stupid enough to get involved with someone so quickly, but it just felt right … it felt right. It was nice to laugh with someone instead of arguing, and we did. We laughed all the time. We had a similar taste in music and series, shared so many common interests that we never ran out of topics. We could stay awake for hours and talk. He was kind of secretive and quiet, but I knew that so much more was going on in his mind and I wanted to know everything. I tried to find out more about him without him realizing it … I wanted to know why he was like that, know his quirks, what made him look, I wanted to know about each of his scars, about every tattoo and story he shared told me chunks.
I told myself again and again that I should not apologize so quickly because I know how I love. I love so much when I get involved with it, I jump in head first without hesitation, but he made it so easy to succumb to it. He made it so easy to lower the wall, which I had repaired and rebuilt for months. The wall where I had sworn someone had to work on it for a long time. I was trying to have a hard time, really. But he picked up the script so quickly. Before I knew it, I was the one who tried to break his walls and prove to him that I was not “like the others”. At first I saw warning signals, but I thought that I was only insecure. I projected my past only on this current relationship. I kept telling myself that I over-analyzed things and that he deserved a chance. Although my gut told me something was wrong, my heart told me it was true. So I fought harder for him than ever before for anyone in my life, even more than the 5-year marriage I had just left. I was determined to make it work because I loved it with every fiber of my being, I wanted to fix everything that was broken in it out of its past, and I did not want to make the same mistakes I made in my previous relationships would have. I did everything for him and more. So I fought harder for him than ever before for anyone in my life, even more than the 5-year marriage I had just left. I was determined to make it work because I loved it with every fiber of my being, I wanted to fix everything that was broken in it out of its past, and I did not want to make the same mistakes I made in my previous relationships would have. I did everything for him and more. So I fought harder for him than ever before for anyone in my life, even more than the 5-year marriage I had just left. I was determined to make it work because I loved it with every fiber of my being, I wanted to fix everything that was broken in it out of its past, and I did not want to make the same mistakes I made in my previous relationships would have. I did everything for him and more. that I had done in my previous relationships. I did everything for him and more. that I had done in my previous relationships. I did everything for him and more.There is no part of me who thinks I could have done better, could have tried harder, or loved him more than what I did, because I know without a doubt that I gave him 110% if not even more.
Instead of arguing with him, I simply apologized for things I did not do. I tried to do better, but I suppressed the things inside and that killed me because I was never the type of person who shut up and avoided Stress.It took about a year for his true self to really start showing off. The guy who made me feel safe and never raised his voice and never argued with me began to show me a page that was dark and not flattering. I loved him, so I was ready to look over it. I had just come out of a relationship in which we had quarrels every day and got down, so I refused to do that again. If he started a fight, I would go no matter how many sarcastic and passive-aggressive comments I wanted to make, even though I had learned what angered him. I told him that I would not do his dirty work for him, that I would not give in to dispute and then be the madman.
One of the things I liked about him was that he did not like going out and partying, and I thought it was all right, but it was getting a bit too much when we could not even eat in restaurants or go to places where we were invited by family or friends. We became hermits and I apologized every time. I soon realized that this was only to isolate me, not him. I missed so many things because I felt bad without it. I was on call and he had completely wrapped me around the finger.
I have always been a strong person, very intuitive and can notice things pretty easily. How could I allow this so long before I really started assembling the parts? I loved him so much, that’s why. Narcissists use empathetic people as fuel. They choose their prey wisely. I was not special to him, I was just a target. When I started to bring out his darkness and show him that I know what he is and what’s going on, it just makes it worse and it was the real reason he left.
Every day I felt exhausted because he drained my life. All my time and energy was spent on pleasing him, not provoking him, running on eggshells so as not to hurt his fragile little ego.I had never met a man who was so sensitive when someone joked with him. It seemed as if everything I said or did was offensive and finally I did not want to talk anymore. I’m not a stupid person, but I let it run much longer than I should have. When I began to understand what I was dealing with, I would have been damned if I let it continue. I spent days reading about his behavior and patterns that were more frequent. It was not long before I realized that I loved a narcissist.
It’s true to say that you’re always smarter afterwards because all the signs I ignored in the beginning and all the things I thought were great came to my senses like a broken dam. I realized that this man could NEVER love anyone, and certainly not me! All the things he did in the beginning, the person I fell in love with … that was ME! He had mirrored my feelings, my personality, my features, and used them to make me fall in love with him. I was not in love with him … I was in love with myself.
When he decided to leave, there was a moment when my heart was broken. Then it was like I had an enlightenment. I could mean anything or nothing to me and no matter what, I would NOT let this man take me away from him anymore than he already did. I turned it over and used it as fuel. He would not turn me into this bitter woman. I was better than that. I AM better than that.
It took time for me to realize that I had fallen in love with myself a long time ago. He tried to break me, but he failed. He left me, but I found myself. I took the fire in me that I once used to fight for him and started fighting for myself. The day I saw him drive out of the driveway, I did not even shed a tear. It was almost as if a weight had been taken from me. I will not lie and say that I had no moments or that there were no times when I thought I would miss him. We had some good memories together, so of course I missed them, but I could not afford to stay in that feelingI had to come to the conclusion that for almost two years I slept next to a man who never cared about me, who never bothered when I cried, never cared when he hurt me. He never loved me.
We all want to finish after a break, but sometimes you just do not get the degree you want or think you need. Sometimes, completion means you just keep going and improving. Sometimes there are no explanations or justifications. Sometimes you end up with a shitty person, a heartless man, someone who is incapable of feeling love or remorse. As much as we want to believe that this kind of people will realize what they once had and have lost, it is nonsense. They will not miss us, they will not think of us, and they will never regret doing what they did because they do not feel love the way we do. They had every intention to go from the moment they chose us. Do not fool yourself, they did not choose us because we are weak; They chose us because we are strong women who were found in an attack able time. Narcissists have very fragile egos, they need someone with a strong mind, a strong personality, someone who is sympathetic, emotional, empathic and driven so that they can feed on us as a parasite needs a host.
What I have come to realize after the love of this kind of people is that I am stronger than I am to myself, and I will never allow another person to make me think differently. What I thought was the greatest love of my life proved to be one of the most valuable lessons. I now know what I am emotionally capable of and refuse to allow myself to be taken peacefully EVER again. I am now more aware of the intentions, warning signals and subtle signs of the people. Yes, I was cheated and it will take more time to heal completely, but I know that not all men are like him. I wish I could say I hate him for what he did, but the truth is … I do not. If he had not broken me, I would never have been able to make myself human,