THE THOUGHT OF FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN TERRIFIES ME

Posted: January 15, 2019 by XPOFeed

It’s not easy, you know?

It’s like going back to the roots, into the dark, where everything reminds you of the pain and misery you have experienced.

Falling in love again is like a big job, and I do not like it. I’m afraid.

I am afraid that everything will happen again and I am not ready for it.

I know that I am exaggerating, I know that my fear usually makes no sense, but I can not fight against myself if I know what I have experienced.

I know that my heart is under protection and that the walls are too high and too thick to be broken by anyone, ever again.

My heart has learned its lesson. Me too.

Love sounds so magical and wonderful. Being in love is like knowing that you are able to hold your heart on your tongue and not be afraid of anything because you are brave enough. I was there, did that.

Today, love only sounds like heartbreak and all because of you.

The way your eyes sparkled every time you told me you loved me, and the way you smiled when I cried, these two things did not fit well, because I never knew what should I think of you, what should I think of us.

I thought that love sometimes had to hurt, that she needed a lot of care and attention.

I thought that I had to prove myself to you so that you could love me. I had to show you that I am worthy of your love .

When it started to hurt physically, I saw that something was wrong. I saw that “love,” no matter what I did, never felt right.

The “love” has hurt me and the “love” has destroyed my heart.

I loved so sincerely and so recklessly. I loved you without seeing how bad you were for me and because of you I am afraid to love again.

I am afraid to fall in love so that the man who makes so much effort and gives me all his affection has no chance to come into my heart.

I’m so careful that even in this hurricane of emotions, I can not find my heart anymore.

I am simply exhausted from falling and never caught by the person whom I hope will be there for me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

 

I’m exhausted from expecting so much and never getting what I deserve. I am exhausted by my fear of being abandoned for the hundredth time just because I loved “too much”.

My chest is heavy, but he still stays close and gives her a slightly easier feeling.

It’s like you know that there is a solution to all your problems, but you refuse to take them because you’ve mistaken the poison for a cure all the time and you just do not trust your gut feeling anymore.

 

So now I’m here, looking at the person in the mirror who is so scared to love, ask her if there’s anything I can do for her to make her feel better, so it hurts less.

But she looks at me blank because her energy has been taken from her. But she will be fine. I will be fine.

I will learn to live with my disappointments, because sometimes that’s the way you recognize your value.

I’ll be fine, but I need time to heal; that is crucial. I can not fix myself overnight and I will not even try.

The world is trying to make me rush, but I do not care.

My heart is fragile and I do not want it to break again. That’s why I’ll keep it safely in my chest for a while.

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