We were never together. But we almost made it. I could never call you my friend and our relationship has never been described as such.
In fact, there is no real trace of you being part of my life except the scars on my heart.
I have no proof that you were mine once. But I know very well that it is nothing but the truth.
When I was with you, I never knew if I was officially single or forgiven. I do not have any photos of you that I should delete from my social media accounts.
My family will not ask me where you disappeared, and I can not tell anyone that I’m a mess because I broke up with my boyfriend.
Well, maybe I have no right to suffer. Maybe I do not have the right to cry because I lost someone I never had.
Maybe I do not have the right to feel that my whole world has collapsed and my heart has been crushed in millions of small pieces.
But here I am and I feel the same way. Here I am, I miss you hellish and I feel like I’m going to die without you.
Here I am, wondering why I was never good enough to be your girlfriend. Here I am, I ask for a final stroke and wonder why we never made it.
We were never officially a couple. But we both know that we were actually much more than that.
We never had a date. But we kissed each other. We hugged, we cuddled and we slept in each other’s arms.
We woke up next to each other and spent many nights listening to the sound of your breathing.
We were never a couple and we were not friends. But you came to me every time you needed a shoulder to cry on. You counted on me and asked for my advice.
I was never your girlfriend. But you were always jealous when a guy was trying to flirt with me, and every time you thought someone else had caught my undivided attention.
We were never in an official relationship. But I really felt like I was forgiven, though I never admitted it, not even to myself.
You never told me you loved me, but most of the time you acted like that. You did your best to make me want and feel loved, if it was right for you.
Now, after all that happened, I know you never loved me. Because you do not do that with the person you love.
Instead, you loved having someone around you and you loved having a backup plan all the time.
You loved having someone to take care of you, and you loved the way I loved you more than anything else, though I could never say it out loud.
Well, no, we were never together, but you broke my heart.
And you did it by showing me something without ever really planning to choose me. By giving me the false hope that things would someday change.
For years you played with my mind and my heart.
Whenever you saw that I was about to leave you, you would give me crumbs of your love and attention, just so you can keep me near you.
You gave me mixed signals and kept asking me what is going on between us.
And the worst part is not that you never loved me the way I loved you. The worst thing is that you deliberately pulled me down.
The worst part is that you knew what I was feeling all the time, and instead of walking away from me when you saw that you could never love me, you kept stopping me.
You have repeatedly drawn me into this endless circle of your unrequited love.
And then, when you got tired of me, you left me without saying a word. You left without giving me an explanation I deserved.
You know, I have the full right to know what happened, because you were the one who let me fall in love with you like an idiot.
You were the one who tricked me and let me down, so you’re the one who bears all the responsibility for my pain and my broken heart.
And that has nothing to do with the fact that I was nothing but your “fast”