Why does the dream of being together forever, so often with tears, end? Without wanting to, couples often sabotage their own happiness.
Sad but true: every third marriage in Germany fails. In 52 percent of the cases, the woman initiates the divorce. As the Federal Statistical Office found out, couples were married for an average of 14 years and 8 months before giving up the ideal of sharing their lives.
Interesting: Couple therapist Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute in California mentions four behaviors that couples are guaranteed to lead their marriage into the abyss, UK Business Insider reports.
1. Want to change the partner, but not yourself
For many couples, there is a clear division of roles: one makes everything right, the other is the problem. The solution? The “wrong” partner has to change. “Many say, if the other one changes, then I do,” says Pearson. But with this attitude both lose. Changes should always be addressed simultaneously.
2. Retire to the shell
Also (k) a solution: to retire so much from the partner, that hardly any more real contact takes place. The reason: the fear of being hurt or rejected. But anyone who falls silent injures the partner as well. He has no chance to experience how unhappy the other is. Pearson’s advice: Open your mouth! Say your opinion! Talk to your partner about what’s important to you. Share your thoughts – even if that is sometimes painful or shameful.
3. Freeze in routine
Just because two people live together, they are not sharing their lives yet. Too often, routine takes the place of curiosity. Pearson finds that many couples lack a sense of responsibility to the relationship. Add to that the erroneous assumption that someone we’ve been with for a long time knows us automatically inside out – and always knows what we want. “Mind reading is a hugely unreliable form of communication,” says Pearson. Nevertheless, many couples would pretend that they could learn it. Instead of putting unrealistic expectations on the partner, one should rather strive to keep the marriage alive. For example with these tips for a long love .
4. To adapt to the partner too much
Exaggerated harmony does not do any marriage well, because every person has their own habits and preferences. “Couples adapt to each other right from the beginning, but it only becomes problematic when there is reluctance and the partners do not talk about it.” Pearson’s Advice: Do not try to always please the other. Instead, couples should get used to communicating lovingly, but clearly, and being ready to compromise . It is not a bone break if everything is not harmonious – it is crucial to keep in conversation.